


Unavailable

by astrosaur



Category: Sexy Zone
Genre: Infidelity, Loads of Angst, M/M, except not too much fun because angst, fun with fic formats, yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-12-30 11:04:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12107352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrosaur/pseuds/astrosaur
Summary: What if one of them cheats?





	Unavailable

 

 

 

**You have 4 missed calls.**

**IT’S YOUR MOTHER!! (3)**

**Kikuchi** ♥ **Fuma (1)**

 

 

  **•••**

 

 

            “Your mom asked me to pass along a message last night.”

            “Yeah, she left me about five voicemails or something. Is that why you called? I was going to call you back, but I never got the chance.” 

            “The weird thing is, she thought you told her that I was with you. And as far as I could recall, you told me you were having dinner with your parents last night.”

            “I tell her I’m with you all the time. It’s a habit by now.”

            “Do you make it a habit to lie to everyone about where you are?”

            “Fuu~ma. Let’s not make a big deal of this, okay? Even sons and boyfriends are allowed to have secrets, right?”

            “If it’s not a big deal, you can tell me who you were with.”

            “Really. Are we really doing this.”

            “Who were you with?”

            …

            “ _Nakajima_.”

            “Rina. I was with Rina, okay?!”

            “Rina, your first girlfriend?”

            “Yes, okay, the girl I dated about a decade ago, literally. And can you not call me that when we’re— Hey, seriously? Where are you going? See, this is why I didn’t say anything! Calm down, please, you’re blowing this out of proportion.”

            “I’m sorry you don’t find my reaction appropriate for someone who found out his boyfriend is going behind his back to meet up with his ex.”

            “It’s not like that. Fuma, don’t go!”

 

 

**•••**

 

 

            “That’s your fourth shot. Are you sure you’re alright?”

            “Let go.”

            “Drink some water first and I’ll think about it.”

            “Have fun thinking about it while I do whatever the hell I want. You’re here to pay for my shots, not tell me how many I’m entitled to.”

            “Funny how it’s always my turn to pay when one of you is in some sort of mood.”

            “The guy who calls himself my soulmate is still in touch with his first girlfriend and he tried to hide it from me. That qualifies for a bit more than being ‘in some sort of mood.’”

            “I hate to say it, but in your boyfriend’s defense, that’s not entirely unheard of. I’m not just saying that to get out of footing the bill. I honestly do know people who can stay friends with their exes and it’s not an issue for their partners. Personally, my ex-boyfriends were all grade A assholes, and I needed a clean break from them.”

            “How can he stay friends with other people who’ve seen him naked?”

            “I can’t answer that for you. But think of it this way: you’re the one who gets to see him naked now.”

            “Not that we get to leave all that much to the imagination, with a job like ours.”

            “In which case, he should be jealous of all the people who get to see you in a drenched button-up shirt or whatever.”

            “It’s not just that. It’s not easy to be with someone like him. I can deal with it, ‘cause breaking up is not up for discussion. But seriously. It’s not enough that he’s an incurable flirt whose first instinct is to make people want him? From preteen girls to middle-aged comedians? It’s not enough that I have to watch him kiss multiple women as a part of his job?”

            “Don’t watch him, then, if it bothers you that much.”

            “You keep missing the point. Besides, I can’t not watch his dramas.”

            “Okay, then skip through the parts you don’t like.”

            “Why should I?”

            “You were just complaining about watching—! You know what, never mind. I’m definitely not buying you that fifth shot, not when all your angst is self-imposed.”

            “Fine, be that way. I’ll remember this when you fall in love with an asshole who can’t stay away from his exes.”

 

 

**•••**

 

 

**You have 4 missed calls.**

**Kikuchi** ♥ **Fuma (4)**

 

 

**•••**

 

 

_9/2_

_Kento canceled on me to meet her again. If he thinks I should be grateful that he at least told me about it this time, he’s delusional._

_I know, logically, I have no reason to doubt him. I’m not a guy who actively doubts his partner’s loyalty, and he’s not a guy whose faithfulness should be called to question. No matter how often he lets other people think they have a chance with him. But this is more than him saying suggestive things that make girls titter behind their hands, more than sweet-talking boys until they start to think “if it’s only once with another guy, then maybe…”_

_This is much worse._

_I remember the day Rina agreed to be Kento’s girlfriend. He had rushed to the dressing room to blurt it out to everyone. I usually had to pry that kind of thing out of him back then, but at that time, he didn’t care who heard. ABC and Kisumai and a dozen other juniors must have been in the room, too. He was so pumped with adrenalin, he picked me up right off the floor with his wiry little 14-year-old arms. I remember thinking that he will never love anyone as much as he loved her._

_Then management gave him an ultimatum. They sat him down and pretty much gave him a choice between ending their relationship or ending his career. He and I talked about it every day, and we quarreled about it nearly as often. If he didn’t bring it up, I would. I was genuinely scared he’d quit his job just so he could be with her._

_After he broke things off with her eventually, we kept right on fighting. I wish I could say that I only ever wanted to help keep his mind off her, but more often than not, I was taking my frustrations out on him being oblivious to my feelings._

_That was years ago, and a lot’s happened since then, needless to say. One of the things that’s happened? Now, Rina is pregnant._

_Kento says the kid’s not his. ~~For whatever that’s worth.~~ I could tell he wanted to push me off a balcony when I asked. He says her parents aren’t supporting her, and that the baby’s father is nowhere to be found. He says she has no one else that can help her out. As if that makes her his responsibility, by default._

_I suppose a better person would swallow his objections and keep his sight on the bigger picture. The really good people would support their boyfriend’s choice without reservation. If I weren’t so fucking terrified of losing him, I might be able to. Maybe if I didn’t have these fears in the first place, just maybe, I could be one of those really good people._

 

 

  **•••**

 

 

            It wasn’t his intention to turn to the bottle for another night, with the same friend, to nurse the fresh wounds of rejection and jealousy. But liquid courage was still a form of courage – a passable, legal one – and he was willing to take it where he could get it.

            And then, it got too easy to fall into the pattern of airing out his grievances. He had the license to list every offense made against him, real or imagined. He hoped that once he gave voice to them, they’d dissipate from his system and he can function normally.

            That was the plan, but then plans change. Plans fall to the wayside like they’d never meant to see the light of day.

            It wasn’t his intention to go home with his friend, intoxicated by the heady mix of alcohol and resentment. He’d stopped to think about the turn of the events when the two of them were on the train, watching the lights of an unfamiliar landscape and wondering if now was the time to pump the breaks. He’d have the exact same thought later on, sitting on his friend’s couch and swapping stories of the countless ways their loved ones let them down.

            And then, it was too easy to lose himself in a kiss that was starkly different from the only set of lips he’d tasted in years. More than the novelty, it was the glaring lack of congruity that stood out to him. For better or worse, he knew exactly whom he was kissing, or more precisely, whom he wasn’t kissing. When unfamiliar hands gripped him and bruised foreign shapes into his hips, he didn’t let up in recklessly demanding for faster and rougher, all but asking for it to hurt.

            After that, nothing came easily at all.

            He crawled out of his friend’s apartment before the sun could come up to shine its harsh light on him and his sins. He was sore, handled brutally and fucked within an inch of his life at his own request. He had to fork over a hefty price for a cab because he missed his last train home.

            And all throughout, his vindictive conscience sought to devour him whole. And all he had to contend with that was a flimsy reminder that he had never meant to let it get this far.

 

 

**•••**

 

 

**You have 3 missed calls.**

**Nakajima Kento (3)**

 

 

  **•••**

 

 

_9/11_

_I can’t stop thinking about our fifth anniversary._

_It happened exactly one day before I started writing these, so I have no written record of it. I didn’t need to write it down. I have a clear recollection of it, even up to now._

_I let Kento plan everything. I didn’t tell him I really wanted to do something for him, too. I don’t understand why anniversaries matter so much to him, but they do, and I wanted to give him one for the ages. But he was dead set on planning it by himself, and a part of me wasn’t confident that I could come up with something he’d enjoy as much as he enjoyed coming up with his overblown romantic itinerary._

_Still, I should have pushed through with my own surprise for him. A chance to give him that doesn’t come very often. ~~I might not get another~~_

_I’m not sure how he figured out all the logistics while also clearing the details of our time-off with management. He found a tiny island off the coast of the country that we had to take two different boats to get to. It wasn’t some magical, living postcard, but it was beautiful. It was like Okinawa, but with a tenth of the population. The cottage he reserved for us was on stilts, hovering over the clear blue-green water._

_I’ve never gone on any trip like it. It wasn’t a fancy getaway at all – he knows me too well for that. One night, we “partied” with some locals at this restaurant that looked like it doubled as someone’s backyard. They had one of those tube TV’s that must have been older than the both of us and we used that to sing karaoke. He’d given them our songs in advance to play, and no one else there seemed to know our songs, but they sure cheered like they did. We sounded amazing, and that’s only noteworthy when you consider that I was basically holding Kento up the entire time because he was sloshed out of his mind._

_I let him pay for the cottage and the boat rides, and he let me to pay for our food. Other than our meals, this notebook was one of the few things I spent money on. Kento was practically salivating over a calligraphy set we saw through a shop window. He said it would be a waste for him to buy it since he only wanted the pens and the ink, and not the entire kit, but I’m sure the real reason he was hesitant was because he never enrolled in any classes like he said he would. I went back to buy it eventually, which he claimed was unfair because we promised each other no physical gifts for the occasion. I swore that I wanted to the buy the notebooks for myself and that I’d use them religiously. ~~I’m usually good with keeping promises~~_

_My most vivid memory of our time there was our last night on the island. That night, I convinced him to go to the beach with me. We didn’t sleep, and we spent too much time talking about dumb things. The usual. We talked about serious things, too. It was really calm. Of course, before long, I was biting his shoulder hard enough to tear skin, stifling my noises, and at one point I had to practically gag him to stifle his. The last time we’d done it that intensely was that night he got back from a location shoot that lasted for weeks. I doubt either of us would’ve been able to get up and walk back to our rooms after that, even if we wanted to do._

_After the sun rose, I only agreed to leave the shore because we had to pack. He played it off like I was kidding when I offered to pay for us to spend another couple of days there. He must’ve known I wasn’t joking around, though. I was ready to pay anyone any amount for one more night away with him._

_I wanted to write about that trip on this notebook, if only for my sake, but it seemed too huge a memory to capture. The thought of trying to write all of it down and translate it into words was too overwhelming. I only started writing about the days that followed. There’s no shortage of happenings that can go in here, but even with so many amazing memories I’ve made in my life, that trip might be the one I’d want to immortalize… to relive, most of all._

~~~~

 

**•••**

 

 

            “No, we’re going to talk now!”

            “It’s not good—”

            “It hasn’t been good all week! That’s how long you’ve been avoiding me! This really isn’t fair, and I. I can’t take this anymore.”

            “I can’t do this right now.”

            “Please. Believe me, none of this is easy for me, either. I’m not meeting up with her because I’m in love with her, and you should know that. Don’t belittle my feelings for you. You are my whole world, she could never mean half of what you mean to me.”

            “I know you don’t love her like that.”

            “Then, can you stop being so far away? I miss you. I see you all the time, yet I really, really miss you, and I- God, I’m not the same without you.”

            “…Neither am I.”

            “What’s wrong? What can I do?”

            “You don’t need to do anything. The worst thing you could do is blame to yourself for what happened. It’s not anything you did, but something that – I don’t know. I’ll tell you. I have to tell you. Maybe it’s better if I didn’t, but I can’t even be in the same room as you.”

            “Fuma.”

            “No, it’s not your fault. But you need to listen to me, and you need to promise me that you’ll listen to the very end.”

            “You’re freaking me out. Why are you talking like this? What do you mean?”

            “Promise me.”

            “I promise?”

            “I need you to take this seriously.”

            “I am taking it seriously. I promise. I’ll listen, I won’t interrupt.”

            …

            “You can’t break up with me over this. That’s not what you’re about to say, right? Don’t. You can’t leave me because of Rina, I—”

            “I slept with someone else.”

            …

            …

            “What?”

            “A week ago.”

            “That’s a really shitty joke.”

            “Do you remember, last week. I went out for drinks.”

            “Oh god, you’re serious.”

            “I had too much. Both of us did.”

            “No. You were w- You slept with—”

            “I was barely coherent. It was just. It was beyond stupid, beyond meaningless. Wait. You said you’d listen.”

            “I can’t. I can’t do this.”

            “Wait.”

            “Don’t follow me.”

            “I love you, Kento, _I love you_ , please don’t—”

 

 

  **•••**

 

 

_9/16_

_We had rehearsals._

_He greeted me ~~so coldly.~~_

__

_~~He won’t look at me~~ _

_~~Everyone can see something’s~~ _

_~~What if it’s like this from now on~~ _

 

 

  **•••**

 

 

            “If you love someone, you couldn’t ever do that to them.”

            “Shh, that’s not true. There’s no excusing what he did, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.”

            “How could he do that if he loves me?”

            “People make mistakes. Sometimes they make terrible mistakes that hurt the ones they love the most.”

            “He said it meant nothing to him. So he did it just to hurt me. Or maybe he was looking for something he didn’t have with me, something I couldn’t give him in nearly six years of being together.”

            “That’s not it, Kento, this is not your fault.”

            “I can’t breathe.”

            “Oh, darling. I’m so sorry you’re hurting like this. It will get better. It might take some time, but I’m here for you, always. You have me when it gets to be too much.”

            “It killed me to just nod at him yesterday. How am I supposed to face him every day and not think about him in another guy’s arms. How do I handle that?”

            “Take a break. You need it. Talk to your manager about a leave of health.”

            “I can’t.”

            “Kento, you have to.”

            “I’m sorry, but. I don’t know. I should’ve listened to you. You warned us about this when he and I got together. You knew something like this was going to happen.”

            “I never once counted on your relationship with Fuma to fall apart. Nobody did, least of all me. It was overprotective concern on my part.”

            “I should’ve listened to you. I should have never gone on that date, I should have never kissed him.”

            “Shhh. You followed your heart and you shouldn’t ever regret doing that.”

            “What do I do now? What’s left for me to do? Six years. You don’t throw six years away.”

            “Allow yourself to heal. Let time do its work.”

            “But how? Every second it feels like it hurts worse. It’s so intense, like I can actually strangle him and not stop until he chokes. Then there’s this twisted part of me that wants to be held by him still, somehow…”

            “There’s nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with you.”

            “I hate this so much. I don’t want to hate him, but I don’t want to forgive him. What am I supposed to do?”

            “I wish I could give you an answer, darling, but I can’t. You have to do what you think is best.”

            “I don’t know what to do. Mom, please, just tell me what to do.”

 

 

**•••**

 

 

**You have 19 missed calls.**

 

**Unsaved** **Number (3)**

**IT’S YOUR MOTHER!! (1)**

**Unsaved Number (11)**

**Unsaved Number (1)**

**Unsaved Number (1)**

**Unsaved Number (2)**

 

 

**•••**

 

 

            “It’s draining to be this angry.”

            …

            “I don’t need the stress, and the resentment, and the insecurity.”

            …

            “I’m taking away your power over me. I’m done staring at the mirror and finding all the flaws that turned you off.”

            “Stop. Please.”

            “No, I think I’ll keep fucking going.”

            …

            “I’m done with all of it. I’m working on forgiving you. But afterwards, I think I’m done. I don’t know if I can take you back.”

            …

            “What is this?”

            “It’s one of the notebooks from the calligraphy set. The one I bought in that island you took us to. For our anniversary.”

            “…And?”

            “I want you to have it.”

            “What am I supposed to do with it? There’s writing all over.”

            “I’ve been using as a journal since we went on that trip. Some of what’s written is about you. A lot of it, to be honest. You don’t have to do anything with it, but there are things in there you need to know. My hope… my hope is that it can give you an idea of what you are to me. How my mistake has nothing to do with that.”

            “I don’t get the point of this. I don’t understand what you expect me to do with this.”

            “You don’t need to do anything. I just want you to know. That’s all. If there’s one thing I could ask of you, this is it. I just want you to know.”

 

 

**•••**

 

 

_10/8_

_\- Talk about what happened_

_\- Give him space_

_\- Let him be angry_

_\- Find out what he wants_

_\- Be open_

_\- Keep promises_

_\- Take it one day at a time_

_I think that’s all of it. That’s all the advice I’ve gotten._

_I haven’t gotten closer to any of these, except the last one, arguably._

_I did tell that guy that we couldn’t hang out anymore, not after what happened. He asked me if he thought that would help me with Kento. It probably won’t, but it can’t hurt. He asked me if Kento’s the type to try and control who I can see and who I can’t, and I said that’s not the case. For now, I can only hope he will – that he’d be willing to give me a shot at making up for what I did._

 

**•••**

 

 

            “This doesn’t fix anything. Having this won’t stop me from thinking about you and him together. From wanting you to never be alone with him again.”

            “I can do that.”

            “No. Don’t say that. Do you know what you’re promising?”

            “Yes, I do.”

            “And what if I asked you to prove it to me, every day, that you aren’t meeting up with him? You’d do that, too? What if it never stops being enough?”

            “There’s an app that’ll show you where a person is. You’d have a password and they’d activate it on their phone.”

            “Seriously, do you hear what you’re saying? How can you think that that’s what I want? You’ll end up hating me. You think you won’t now, but I know you will.”

            “I won’t.”

            “You _will_. I don’t want that.”

            “I’d like to know what you do want. Whatever it is.”

            “…Dinner.”

            “Dinner?”

            “I’m starving. You aren’t?”

            “I, um. I could eat.”

            “You can sit next to me, if you want.”

            …

            “Stop that. Don’t cry over dinner. That’s too cunning.”

            “Sorry. I’m. I’m so fucking sorry. Thank you.”

            “Fine, but listen, this is just dinner. Don’t thank me. We’ve got a long way to go, to say the least. And throughout it, I expect you to show me that all the reasons to stay are worth it. Do you get that? The minute you don’t, there’s no promising I won’t walk away for good. I don’t even know if that’s something you want to get yourself into.”

            “No, I get it. Thank you. I… What are you in the mood for? Have you tried that new soba place yet?”

 

 

**•••**

 

 

_11/26_

_I had lunch with a cute guy today. Ah, cute’s not the right word. Honestly, he’s stunning, it’s sometimes hard to breathe when I’m around him. I’ve never said that to his face, but I like the idea that I might get to at some point._

_I’ve had lunch with him more times than I can count, of course. I met this guy way back when I was in junior high, after all. I did something in my past life that gave me somebody like him, then I fucked it all up recently. But he’s letting us start all over again._

_It’s unreal._

_It’s unreal to think I ever had a chance with him, let alone a second. Sometimes he’ll forget that he’s forgiven me, but that’s not important. What’s more important is that he forgets the doubts I gave room to grow. It’s more important that one day, he reclaims the utmost certainty that he holds another person’s heart in full, and that heart will cease to function if he were to let it go._

_(Too bad there’s no way in hell he’s ever going to see this notebook – definitely not this page!)_

_He gave his to me, in return. No matter how resilient it is, it’s a little battered. I have to protect it for as long as it’s in my care._

_It’s only words right now, but I have to at least promise, to myself and to anyone who’ll listen, that I will be a better person. More than that, I will be good._

_And I know we’ll be better. We’ll be good._

 

 

**•••**

 

 

**You have 0 missed calls.**

 

 


End file.
